Harry Potter and the Big Bad Umbridge
by RagxDoll
Summary: Dolores Umbridge sets out on a mission when she finds her cupboard empty! Running into some of our favorite witches and wizards, chaos is almost unavoidable.


On a rather dull and uneventful morning, the Big Bad Umbridge rose from her bed. It didn't take long for the gargantuan creature to realize just how hungry she was. After all, it had been a total of three hours since her last meal. One cannot survive solely on balanced meals spread conservatively throughout the day. Pulling her pink cardigan sweater over her head, and readjusting her bow, the Big Bad Umbridge set out to her kitchen. To her dismay, the cabinets were empty! Apparently, her three course midnight snack had been a little too much, causing all the food to go bye-bye. For a moment, the toad-like woman sat in thought upon a stool, shaped oddly like something referred to by normal people as a toadstool. Jumping up from the stool, the earth quaked and shaked. "I have a plan!" Grabbing a purse much like the one that the Muggle Mary Poppins carries, she dashed, or attempted to, out of the house.

Scurrying down a winding path, the first home she came upon was exquisitely built. Standing quite tall, it was made of the finest wood. But even the finest wood isn't match for termites! Chomping away throughout the days, the boy inside the home didn't even realize what was possessing his walls. Banging her gavel like fist upon the door, the Big Bad Umbridge let out a booming roar. "Let me in, let me in little Malfoy!" From the other side, a squeaky voice screamed out, "No! Go away, and let me brush my hair in peace!" Fuming with anger, she stepped back. And then, she huffed and she puffed and she blew the house down. Sitting upon a fancy chair, Draco Malfoy hid behind a pink cardigan sweater of his own, cowering in fear.

Within a few moments, the little blonde boy was tagging along after the Big Bad Umbridge. It's surprising what a few Galleons and half a tuna sandwhich will get you these days. The next home they came upon was made of Crumple Horned Snorkacks. Chortling, both of the adventurees were quite amused. Once again, the Big Bad Umbridge beat her fist against the door. However, Crumple Horned Snorkacks do bite, so needless to say, they weren't very happy. "Let me in, let me in, little Lovegood!" Skipping around inside, a cheery little Ravenclaw shook her head. "Leave me to my Nargles!" The Big Bad Umbridge did not like such a tone from a young girl! So, without any hesitation, she huffed and she puffed and blew down the Crumple Horned Snorkack fort.

Staring dreamily at the two, Luna decided to skip along with them. Of course, she brought along the Nargles, as it would have been irresponsible to leave them without any supervision. Two became three as they set off over a hill. Coming upon an oddly shaped and overly vibrant home, it wasn't hard to conclude as to who lived there. Surely it must have been...CORNY FUDGE! Even these three wouldn't be fooled by a sign that said, 'Not the home of Judge Fudge.' Who'd did these people take them for, dunderheads? Knocking upon the door, the Big Bad Umbridge screamed, "Let me in, let me in Corny Fudge!" Not an answer was heard. Knock, knock, knock. Nothing. Apparently, there was no one home. So, they continued, as loitering would have been rude.

The next house wore a sign also. And not just any sign. No, this sign was special. It flashed with all sorts of colors that had the Big Bad Umbridge, as well as Draco and Luna ohing and ahing. Behind the sign sat a house. And not just any house. But a house that belonged to two Weasley brothers. Rapping her fists against the wood, the Big Bad Umbridge screeched, "Let me in, let me in, you two little misfits!" A pair of boisterous laughs echoed around. "Ha, as if we'd let you in!" The first voice said. "We have a strict, no toad policy! By Decree of the High Inquisitor!" Another much like the first, but not from the same said. So, obviously angered by the fact that they would mock her Inquisitorialness, the Big Bag Umbridge huffed and she puffed and she blew their house down. Standing there in not quite complete shock, the two gingers laughed and laughed. Following behind, they found it their obligation to come. It was only natural to have an set of annoying twins in the troupe.

Next, they approached a poorly built shack made entirely of books. Shaking her head, the Big Bad Umbridge peeker her eye through one of the not so visible, but obviously there, holes. "Let me in, let me in little Mudblood!" A bit of scurrying was heard, and then a voice replied, "Leave me and my books alone!" Outraged by the insolence, the Big Bad Umbridge huffed and she puffed and a dozen copies of Hogwarts, a History fell upon her toad like head. ROAR!!! A small town in London just realized that they were missing their toad. Standing amongst her books, Hermione furrowed her brow. After a long discussion of how she should have switched to Geico insurance, where they would at least pay for the damages to her home, she set off with the rest.

Obviously, being as large as the Big Bad Umbridge was, and huffing and puffing as she had done, it was neccessary to take a break. A park bench was appropriately placed along the way, and they took a seat down. Or at least attempted to, as the Big Bad Umbridge took up more than half of it herself. After complaining that he had to sit on the dirty ground with the dirty Weasleys, Draco agreed. Of course, the idea of sitting on George's lap wasn't entirely pleasing, but he obliged. For nearly an hour their cabooses were parked there. Luna let the Nargles off of their leashes for a bit, so they could roam around. And as the sun began to set, they continued on their journey.

The next home was in moderate condition. It was a bit hard to distinguish who was living there. The Chuddley Cannons banners, and scar designs upon the door were less than a dead give away. Waddling over, the Big Bad Umbridge drew up her fist and pounded hard. "LET ME IN LET ME IN LITTLE POTTER AND WEASLEY!" -

It is here that I find the need to note to the small children reading this, that this is a children's story. There is no need to fear for our hero's life. In fact, it might be best if we all join hands for a round of our favorite camp song. Of course, we could always poke our eyes out with bendy straws and then serve them as hors devours.

-Looking up from their work, Harry and Ron stared quizzically at the door. Standing up, the scarheaded boy went to answer, but the ginger jumped before him galantly. Or perhaps he thought that he had seen a roast chicken floating by. Either way, he was now blocking Harry Potter. "I must sacrifice myself Ron! It's the only way!" Pouting, Ron flailed his arms at his sides. "No! I can't let you!" With an arched eyebrow, Harry stared at him in utter disbelief. "You always get to be the hero Harry! It's my turn!" Shoving Ronald out of the way, Harry stormed towards the door. "Out of the way fire crotch!" Pulling out his wand, he thrust open the door and pointed it at the Big Bad Umbridge. "Toadicus Explodicus!" Falling to the ground with a thud, a good twenty miles away, Molly Weasley once again was forced to pick up the knick knacks that had fallen to the floor due to some unknown earthquake. The group cheered as they paraded around Harry! Pulling out his magic Muggle device, he called up a few of his favorite dementors from Azkaban. The Big Bad Umbridge was servely punished for kidnapping and threatening to destroy the Nargle population, and will remain in Azkaban, where polka music will suck all the happiness from her.

The End.

NOTE: No Nargles or Crumple Horned Snorkacks were harmed in this story.

ANOTHER NOTE: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters, nor do I claim to.


End file.
